BEST Wheeling and Dealing EVER

Part I. The background.

I finally did it. I bought a car. After my previous 10-year-old American car (which is equivalent to approximately 50 years for foreign cars) died on I-66 in early-June, I tried my damn near best to avoid driving. I made it through three months of walking, skipping, jumping, or taking the metro.

But sometimes your best isn't good enough. Starting in mid-September, I was scheduled on a client out in Chantilly, VA for at least a couple months. I knew that I could get a ride for a couple weeks, but not the entire duration of the project. I considered alternative forms of transportation, but every idea failed miserably:

• Vespa - Great gas-mileage, environmentally friendly, ability to zoom around cars. While I would probably max out at 30 mph, I am 99% certain an SUV would run over me.
• Bicycle - Find me a safebike route that will take me all the way West to Dulles, and I'll consider it. Granted, that poses major issues as the weather worsens.
• Metro - I think I could get over the fact that it would take 8 trillion years to metro out to Dulles, but I would be willing to overlook that for the sake of avoiding traffic while helping out the environment. Of course, unless it is the year 2050 and the Orange Line has been extended out to Dulles, then this is not an option.
• My own two feet - They've managed to get me to a variety of places over the past few months. However, I think a 30-mile walk in the morning and again in the evening may be asking a bit much.
• Zipcar - While a great idea if you only need it for an hour or two, it is really no different than a rental car if you need it for the entire day. At approximately $50/day, a car payment would be far more favorable.

Based on the alternatives listed above, you can see that I had no real option but to put on my best "responsible adult" face and go out and buy a car.

Part II. The purchase.

For the past couple weeks, I researched the "very low emissions" vehicles available, their respective prices, miles/gallon, available features, and specifically those vehicles that were available within several miles from home. Then I went to NYC, and the car purchasing was put on hold until last weekend.

When I returned home from NYC on Saturday evening, I decided I would go and check out a few cars before the dealership closed. When I rolled up to the dealership, a gentleman approached me and began the whole "What are you looking for? Used? New? Coupe? Sedan? Color? LX? EX?" I knew exactly what I wanted so I narrowed it down to two different models, then further down to one to test-drive. The salesman set me up in the car for a quick test-drive around the block. Let the awkward conversations begin.

Let me set the stage: I was in the driver's seat, he was in the passenger's seat. I made the mistake of asking how to adjust the steering wheel. He said he needed to reach underneath the wheel if I was okay with that. It was definitely a rhetorical question as he reached over my lap to adjust the wheel. If only I had known that this would have foreshadowed the remainder of my car purchasing experience.

As we're driving around the area, he's doing the whole sales pitch, while ensuring me he's not a "car salesman." As I try to focus on the performance of the car, he continues to highlight the miscellaneous features on the interior of the car-- you know, like the things that fall dead last on your priority list for buying a car.

Salesman: You can use this map lighting for reading maps in DC.

Me: Yeah, okay. So, should I go straight here?

Salesman: Oh, and a center console is great to place for your CDs, phone, iPoD. Do you have an iPod?

Me: I want to check out the breaks.

Salesman: Another great feature is the window-lock function. For your boyfriend or fiance' when he tries to roll the window down and you want it up.

I hate it when people do that. Try to find out about someone's personal life in a roundabout way, for example, demonstrating the window-lock feature on a car.

Me: So, left at the stop sign?

Well, long story short, I decided to get the car, so we parked the car and made our way over to his desk to start the wheeling and dealing. After all, nothing like an impulsive car purchase.

We talk numbers, I'm introduced to the finance guy, and the finance guy proceeds to run some numbers, validate my credit history, etc. The five minutes it took him to do this seemed like an eternity, based on the conversation salesman was trying to continue:

Salesman: Will you be needing a significant other to co-sign this?

Me: No.

Salesman: Are you married?

Me: No.

Salesman: Getting married in the near future?

Me: No time soon.

Salesman: Really? Do you have a boyfriend?

Where the hell is the finance guy??? For the love, I can crunch the numbers faster than this.

Salesman: Do you have any plans with your boyfriend tonight? This weekend?

Me: Nope, I just got back in town.

Salesman: Do you have a boyfriend?

Me: Not currently.

Salesman: I have to warn you, I'm a master at flirting, and I'm going to flirt with you. After we finish up the paperwork, do you want to see a movie?

You must be kidding me! I just bought a car from you and wrote the single-largest lump-sum check I've ever written! What more do you want?!!

With that said, had I known this conversation would have taken place, perhaps I should've given it some thought. I mean, cars are expensive these days. I definitely should have tried to work something into the price. Get your minds out of the gutter! I'm talking about a movie, maybe dinner-- I have no interest in becoming Pretty Woman.

Me: I'm tired. I was in NYC for the past four days.

Salesman: Oh, otherwise you would have?

Me: Er. Um.

Salesman: How about tomorrow night?

Me: I need to get some work done.

Salesman: Monday night?

Me: I'm really busy at work through November. (note that there IS truth to this statement.)

Salesman: Gosh, I'm going to start to think you're not interested. Well, if you ever want to do something, here's my card.

He proceeds to give me his card and circle his cell phone number.

Me: Well, you already have everything there is to know about me. My name, address, social security number, phone number, employer, salary, checking account number...…

Finally the finance guy shows up with the forms for me to sign. And the salesman pipes in with one last item before shaking my hand to signify the sale (how salesman is that?):

Salesman: Every time I sell a car, I take a picture of the new car owner as I'm handing them the keys.

This has been confirmed. It is not just a ploy to take a photograph of a lady. He produced what must be a 3-inch-thick photo album of photos he's taken of the sales he's made in the past year. And, now I'm part of the collection. Not only does he have my name, address, social security number, phone number, employer, salary, checking account number, but he now has a digital photo of me.

I know Kimmmm and I were already discussing a potential move into the city, but now I think it is imperative that we relocate!