As much as I love DC, sometimes she can be a royal bitch. There have been some completely utterly unforgivable things that the District has done to me lately, which I will carry in my bitter bitter heart until my dying day. Despite all of this, I decided that this Halloween I would extend an olive branch, in hopes of a possible reconciliation with my fair city at some point in the future.
That's right, for Halloween,
I was a DC tourist. You know, the slow moving folks who cram our city each summer, dressed completely inappropriately for the weather conditions, stopping every few feet to determine if they are walking in the right direction, and pumping much needed cash into our t-shirt industry? I like to think of tourists as somewhat of a blessing. They provide us natives a glimpse into what the rest of the country lives like.
Sure, we go and see our families and friends for weekends here and there, but they are quick trips, and we all breathe a sigh of relief when the plane touches back down and we're home. That's where the tourists come in. They bring the rest of the world to us, so we don't have to leave DC, with its picturesque marble buildings, glorious national mall, and somewhat useful public transportation system. The tourists are here to remind us that the entire rest of the world moves at an infuriatingly kinder gentler pace than DC, and the importance of standing to the right and walking to the left.
Anyway, last Saturday, I ventured out to purchase my costume. I decided to walk (
yes, walk) to the National Mall. Anyway, as a service to all of you out there who may at some point wish to purchase a DC t-shirt or have guests that wish to purchase a DC t-shirt, here is a brief overview of the DC themed merchandise (aka "crap") that our city has to offer:
Independence Ave - This side of the mall isn't really worth your time. After walking for a while, I found a t-shirt stand crammed behind USDA. Here I purchased my FBI visor and T-shirt for a whopping $9. I asked the woman behind the counter if they had beltpacks, and she looked at me in all seriousness and said, "No".
Having not seen anything else, I decided to try my luck on.....
Constitution Ave - There are definitely a lot more t-shirt stands through here, and they offer a little bit more variety than the one on the Independence side of the mall. The salespeople were exceedingly helpful and after I bought a lanyard, the one guy tried to upsell me on a matching coffee mug.
After hitting up three stands, and not finding a single beltpack, it was time to get serious. I remembered that there were some shops over by Fords Theatre, so I headed up in to Northwest to….
The shop on the corner of 10th and E - This was more of an emporium type feel, where you could buy an Old Town Trolley tour. The story was spacious, clean, and definitely had the most variety. Here I bought a scrunchie and a "I vote democratic" pin. There was also a fitting room, so that you could make sure that the $7 t-shirt you were buying was worth the money. My favourite thing in this store, that I almost purchased, was a mug that said 'Desperate Whitehouse Wife" and had a likeness of Laura Bush on it. There were some free maps and pamphlets that I picked up next to the register to complete my costume, but I have to say that this store was a little bit more expensive, and you had to pay tax on your purchases. They didn't have beltpacks.
Lincolns Souvenir Shop - I'm sure that one of our greatest presidents would be rotating in his grave like a rotisserie chicken if he knew that there was a Lincoln themed souvenir store right next to the house that he died in, but I put my principles aside, this was Halloween, and I had to find a costume. Anyway, the Lincoln shop was smaller and dingier, but they had a lot more unique t-shirts and a wide selection of
sock monkeys, which was more confusing than anything else. I decided to pass on the sock monkeys and since I already had a t-shirt, I headed up the street to …
The Shop on the Other Side of the House Where Lincoln Died - This shop didn't have a presidential themed name, but they had an exceptionally helpful woman who took a break from her t-shirt folding to show me where the belt packs were. Granted, they only sold children's belt packs, but she did not hesitate to rip open the package pull the strap all the way out, and throw it around my waist. And with that level of "hands around my waist" service, she won the sale.
So, to draw this post to a close, here is the final product. Pretty damn good for $20:
