BEST Stupid B#&#% from Florida EVER

The great snowstorm of '07 descended upon the DC metro area this past Sunday. I was out and about (actually at work) and around 3:30, made the decision that the time had come to make the drive from Tysons back to the Hill before the roads got really bad.

I've had somewhat limited experience with snow in the DC metro area, but from what I've seen, I know I don't like it. Roads don't get cleared, people drive like jackasses (which really isn't specific to snow, more of a general observation), sand is used instead of salt (salt melts things, sand doesn't), and the few things about the infrastructure in this area that actually work come to a screeching halt.

Anyway, this afternoon, the executive decision has been made. I was going to drive home. I decided that the highways would probably be crowded (because they always are) and that the one and a half inch dusting of snow would probably be a little bit more melted than the other roads.

Being from western New York, I’ve driven through blinding snowstorms with three feet of visibility… I've driven through four inches of pure powder….let's just say, I've driven through a lot of snow related crap. That however, gives me absolutely no confidence driving in DC snow, as everyone in this area seems to obey the driving laws of their own state or countries rather than respecting things like "safety".

Before I go on, I want to say that I spend entirely too much time in my car and am a very bitter bitter driver. Let that set the scene for the rest of this story.

So, I made my way down Chain Bridge and onto the 267 ramp, when this SUV with Florida plates skidded. I watched the driver try to yank the wheel out of the skid, as I cursed under my breath, "Turn into it stupid" and then stop her car, which lead to continue to curse "Don't stop on an icy ramp you stupid b#$(&". Because she was in my way, I stopped my car, and because Florida had stopped and I had stopped every single other driver behind us also stopped.

Florida woman continued to gun her engine and turned out of the skid enough for other cars to pass by her. Several suburban mom's flipped their H3's into four wheel drive and buzzed by us. I don't drive an H3. I drive a 99 Cavalier, which does not flip into four wheel drive. I put my car back into drive and tried to ease around her, but it turns out that when you stop a Cavalier on a pure sheet of ice, the tires don't have enough traction to make it go again. Several other people who had piled up in the 10 minutes found themselves in a similar predicament. So, there I was, second in a long miserable line of people who couldn't move because of a stupid b@$(*& from Florida.

I tried rocking my car. I tried putting it in low gear. There was no traction to be had.

It was time to get some help. I got out of my car and walked to the car behind me and the woman rolled down her window. I said, "We need to push Florida, my car and then yours." She looked at me grasped the concept and said "Yes." So, she went up to explain to the woman from Florida that this was a minor snowstorm and that you should always turn into a skid and never stop unless you are going to hit something and we were going to push her before she could wreak any more havoc on our lives and I walked down the rest of the ramp and rallied the rest of the motorists.

When I went back up the hill to Florida woman, there was a group of about 10 of us and we got behind the stupid SUV and pushed that mother off into the wild blue yonder praying that we would never see her again. If the power of our collective disgust had been harnessed in some way, she probably could have made it all the way back to her alleged "sunshine state".

Luckily, I was second in the line, so I got pushed next. I beeped my horn in gratitude and waved my arm out the window as a gesture of good luck to the others as they stood behind me waving. I was on my way, footloose and fancy free to skid the rest of the way home.

I can't wait to do this again tomorrow.