BEST Thanksgiving Travel EVER

Hi, Kimmmmm here. The plan was for me to update the blog with a live feed of Emmmmm's cross country road trip as she drove home to Indiana in a car full of Lauxers. Unfortunately, at the time of her traveling, I was up at Four Courts with three Texans and a Marylander. Here's a recap of the journey:

8:50 pm:
We left around 8:35. Thanks for the frosty treat. I drank the entire thing before we got to PJ's (lauxer's bro).
Laux was feeling queasy before they picked me up so I told him I'd bring acidopholous for him to neutralize the stomach acid. He didn't have anything to drink with it so he followed it with the iced coffee. That's right, he chased acidopholous with liquid acid.

9:00 pm:
Laux: I hate all these sons of bitches from Maryland. They're probably all janitors working for Virginians.
We just passed the md state sign and mike boo'd. I think we just saw a car reverse to stay in VA longer.
Song playing: Sail Away - Styx

10:28 pm:
Getting ready for our first pit stop. We're not going to a reststop b/c mike is afraid of seeing some male sex in the bathroom.
Have you ever been to Walldrug?
The only living boy in NY - Paul Simon

11:21 pm:
Still haven't stopped for a break. Yo necesito ir al bano.
Can't Get Next To You - The Temptations

2:45 am:
I just finished my 3 hour shift and it was muy dificil. We are stopped to fill up the tank and grab a bite to eat. McDs is the only thing open and they have a menu of about five items. I got the one nonmeat item as I haven't had dinner yet. A cinnamon roll. Now I'm nauseous b/c my body is rejecting it.
Katie had fries and soda. She just burped and said it tasted like America - fries and soda.
Time to catch some zzzzs now. I didn't blink for most of my shift.
Toledo 126 hrs. Worst case scenario we'll meet my sis in 3 hours.
Mike just said we have a full tank of gas so it's perfect time to moon someone b/c you just keep on driving.
Bad Moon Rising - CCR

4:18 am:
I think I slept for 30 mins. Not much of ohio left. I say "o-h" here but no one responds with "i-o." They respond with "w-i" . . . "s-c-o-n-s-i-n.".
Just passed toledo - my birthplace.
Farmhouse - Phish

5:55 am:
Kim* picked me up 45 mins from home. It's just the homestretch now. The wisconsinites have to face chicago at morning rushhour. Godspeed to them.
It's cold outside. In the 20s I think. I'm so over winter already.

*Note: Emmmmm has a sister who is also named Kim.

6:22 am:
A few nice things about Indiana:
1. Zero traffic
2. Smooth roads
3. Almost home
Listening to the radio now.

7:00 am:
Home at Last! Time to hit the sack. Can't think. So tired. Good night.

BEST Homeless Help EVER

I'm not sure if it was because it is almost Thanksgiving and we felt like being thankful for all we have. Or, if it's because a few weeks ago we were on our way to homelessness if we could not find a new home by the end of the year. Or, maybe it's because our company was a major sponsor at the event and paid our entry fee. Whatever the case, Kimmmmm and I woke up bright and early on Saturday morning to help the homeless people of Washington DC. You may be asking yourself, "What did you do to help? Did you build homes with Habitat for Humanity? Did you serve food at the soup kitchen? Did you work at a clothing drive?" The answer to these questions is "No."

Instead, we did something that would provide obvious benefits to the homeless. . . We walked. That's right, no money was exchanged, no homes were built, no food was prepared, no clothes were provided. Just a little parade with thousands of others around the Tidal Basin at the Help the Homeless Walkathon.

And similar to other charity events we've participated in, this one was filled with unintentional comedy and horrible, horrible irony.

The morning of the walk was pretty chilly, which was fitting I suppose, since it made me appreciate the very warm home I was sleeping in just moments before leaving home to help the homeless. To any event, we dressed appropriately in many layers of hooded sweatshirts and down vests. And when we arrived at the event, we were given the one-size-fits-all, long-sleeved T-shirts that all the participants wore. It turns out that one-size-does-not-fit-all unless "all" wear an XXXXXXXL. I couldn't help but think of the horrible, horrible irony of us receiving a shirt to pull over our layers and layers of clothes. Wouldn't it have been more appropriate to give the Help the Homeless shirts to the actual homeless we were allegedly helping?

Well, we pulled our oversized tees over our layers and headed over to the National Mall where Adrian Fenty shared some words of compassion before he shaked some hands and kissed some babies. Following his presentation, they unveiled another keynote speaker: Jewel. She blessed us with her presence as she recapped her experience of living in a car and being asked for sexual favors in exchange for money before making it big. And for those of you that were living under a rock for the past ten years, this was the first time you heard her story. Perhaps my favorite memory of the speech was when I looked over at one of my friends and she started clapping and shouting, "Woooo Jewel. Play Hands." Jewel did not perform "Hands." Frankly, I'm not sure if Jewel even walked, which by definition in my book, means she's pro-homeless.

At long last, the walk began. And by "walk," I mean swerve in and out of the other people like I do when I'm driving in Maryland. While walking, we started to strategize what we would do when we were confronted by the homeless during the walk. I decided I would give them a wink while pointing and saying, "This walk's for you….Oh, and you over there on the heater… Hey, and you in the back with the shopping cart." I was positive they would share such gratitude for our early morning sacrifice.

Well, we were never given the opportunity to confront the homeless, because for the first time in the history of the National Mall, we did not see a single homeless person. At first, someone suggested that they must have "cleared them out of the area to make sure it looked nice for the walkers." Which, again, contains such horrible, horrible irony. Then, it suddenly occurred to us what had really happened-- we saved the homeless by walking! Yes, we metaphorically built houses. Every step was a nail in a board.

There you have it. The secret to putting people in homes is walking. If there is a lesson to be learned over the past year of charity events, it is this: Serving beer cures kidney problems, bowling helps kids read, cutting down trees takes pride in America, and walking provides homes to the homeless.

In the spirit of the holidays, I recommend you put on your walking shoes and get outside. I think we can finally put an end to this homeless dilemma that has been plaguing the area for far too long. Just one step at a time. Literally.

BEST Publishing EVER

Just several days after spotting Philllll's post in the WaPo Express Blog Log, look who else appeared...

As if writing a blog isn't self-indulgent enough, I had to go ahead and post our post that was in the Post. So, do you think it's appropriate to add this to my resume under "publishings?"

BEST Rivalry EVER

Let's get ready tooooo rummmbbblleeee!

For all OSU/UM fans, nay, for all college football fans, there was but one item on the agenda this weekend: #1 thee Ohio State University vs. #2 University of Michigan.

The winner of this game would determine the Big Ten Champion, but more importantly, it could guarantee Ohio State's place in the BCS title game.

So, in preparation of the biggest regular season OSU football game of the year between the biggest rivalry in college football, Kimmmm and I headed up to Willie & Reed's with my aunt and uncle to cheer on the Buckeyes with a gazillion other Ohio State fans.

And cheer, we did. When my aunt led the battle cry with "O-H…," we responded with the other fans with "…I-O!" And when they blared "Hang on Sloopy" over the speakers, we sang right along. All of that cheering did not go unnoticed, for the Buckeyes won 42-39. I mean, I'm not saying that we won the game for OSU (I'm sure the fellows on the field were working hard), but it just seems pretty coincidental that the very game we lost our voices to was the very game that will send the Buckeyes to Arizona to reclaim the national title in January.

Coincidence? I think not.

Don't you worry, Coach Tressel, we'll cheer our hearts out come January 8th!

To sum up:

OSU's ranking before Saturday's game: #1

OSU's ranking after Saturday's game: #1

BEST German Food, Opera, and Britney Spears EVER

This past week, I attended a professional networking event... an Opera Night at Cafe Mozart. That's right, accountants know how to boogie....opera style. The night was sort of fun, and unintentionally comical.... I had dressed almost exactly like one of my coworkers. For those of you who have never been there before (which I'm assuming is a lot of you), Cafe Mozart is a german restaurant located by McPherson Square. If you are looking for good german cuisine, Cafe Mozart isn't probably the best place to get it. Admittedly, when it comes to bratwurst and the like, I am a bit of a snob, but the food really wasn't that great... I had the sausage platter with one bratwurst and one knackwurst, neither of which were anything to write home about. Fortunately, there was a good selection of wines and beers, which sort of made up for the ehhhh food.

And of course, the entertainment. So, the Opera Night was composed of an elderly man and an elderly woman singing opera songs, walking around the restaurant as patrons ate. It was an intimate venue, the room probably held about 40 people, and yes, it was as incredibly awkward and cheesy as it sounds.

In addition to the opera songs, which were nice, they sang several selections from old timey musicals, such as South Pacific and Oklahoma. Most of the patrons sang along to the song from Oklahoma (you've heard it... it starts..."Oh what a beautiful morning... "), which in combination with a few glasses of wine and a dinner I just picked at instead of actually eating made me laugh, because I am wondering what songs they'll be singing in Cafe Mozart fifty years from now, when I am elderly and ready to sway along to the music. I can't wait for it to be "Toxic" and "My Hips Don't Lie".

BEST Veterans Day Shout-Out EVER

Well, well, well. I was minding my own business this morning, glancing through the Express, when low and behold, I come across this...


Congrats Phillllll! Kimmmm and I feel so privileged to be friends with a published writer! It was quite the tribute, which is what I would expect from somebody that is pro-Marine!

BEST Veterans Day EVER

This past Friday, instead of going to work, I went to the DC Veterans Hospital instead and participated in a work sponsored community service event. The Veterans History Project set each volunteer up to record the stories of veterans, which will be included in the American Folk Life Collection at the Library of Congress. That's right, very soon, you too will be able to request "Kimmmm on Tape" through the Library of Congress.

Anyway, each of us got paired up with our very own real live veteran to tape record for the collection. I was really nervous going into this because I was worried that I would be paired up with an extremely young person, or that I wouldn't know what to say. Fortunately, my veteran was a talkative man who had served in both the Korean and Vietnam Wars. We had a really good conversation that went all over the place including race relations in DC, how DC has changed in the past 60 years, real estate prices, nightclubs, bars, women, living overseas, how his family ran a blackmarket of ration coupons during WW2, actual combat in the Korean War, corned beef and cabbage (his first meal in the military) and his family.

While he was telling me about how afraid he was for his 20 year old son, who is stationed in Iraq until June, he started crying. My eyes welled up too.

Even though I've participated in various community service type events, through work and otherwise, this was probably one of the most eye opening experiences that I've had in quite some time.

Happy Belated Veterans Day.

BEST Borat EVER

Just an update: My mini-strike of not blogging that no one really knew about has ended. Emmmm and I are signing an apartment lease this weekend and you will soon be able to find us as barfly's at Cap Lounge rather than Four Courts.

So this past weekend, I went and saw the movie that everyone seems to be blogging or talking about… Borat. Apparently, he's also pissed off the nation of Kazakhstan, who is taking out ads in papers such as the New York Times, etc stating that Kazakhstan is a wonderful place to be and has many wonderful things… Some of the unwitting stars of the show (namely the RV full of frat boys) are embarrassed about their actions.

NPR even did a story about how the character of Borat is a wonderful political satire as Borat's bumbling attitude exposes deep seated prejudices of ordinary Americans… such as the cheering rodeo crowd when Borat says, "May George W Bush drink the blood of every Iraqi man, woman, and child." They didn't come out and say it, but the story definitely wanted to proclaim Sasha Cohen a comic genius.

What all of the allegedly "credible" sources failed to mention was the one thing that my sister (who incidentally hated the movie) did… "there is some full frontal male nudity that is really disgusting. It made me throw up in my mouth a little bit".

So, having all of these expectations and fair warning, I went and actually saw the movie so I could decide for myself. It turns out that the movie is a bit of everything, but not any one thing… it is offensive to those of Kazak descent, full of unwitting and dim witted Americans, contains a rodeo, and yes, had some gratuitously disgusting scenes that went on entirely too long and caused me to literally turn my head away from the screen.

So, go, see the movie, but don't expect anything except some mindless laughter. And in this day and age, isn't that all we really need anyway?

I'll end with the words of Borat himself, "To the world, I love you! Apart from Uzbekistan. "

BEST "Oops! We Did It Again" EVER

It's that time of year again. I'm not talking about the leaves changing colors or the holidays approaching.

I'm talking about the time that Kimmm and Emmmm decide to find a new home. Seeing as this will be our fourth move in three and a half years, it was a shocking realization when I recently learned that most people do not move this often. Then again, Kimmm and I are not most people.

As it turns out, people often stay at a location for longer than 12 months. Apparently, the endless chore of apartment shopping, packing/unpacking, setting up utilities, etc. with the added kicker of paying double-rent for the month they decide to relocate isn't all it's cracked up to be. (If anything, moving generally gives us blogworthy material.)

So this is it. This is our final destination. We're making the big move to Cap Hill, where we intend to stay put. And, under no circumstances are we going to be moving next year.

Just like we said at the past three places.

BEST Lombardi Gala EVER

On Saturday night, Emmmmm, Chrissy, Kimmy, and I volunteered at the Lombardi Gala, which is an event to raise money for cancer research. I was sort of excited because I had never been to a gala before. Plus, if you volunteered, you got to wear a cocktail dress. And we all know that we aren't the type of girls who pass up the chance to wear a cocktail dress when the occasion arises.

Volunteering shift one involved monitoring a silent auction. We were in the "home" section, which is sort of ironic considering that Emmmm and I will have no home in a few months. So, we stood their looking nice amid the crystal chandeliers, heavy expensive looking tables, and rugs. As I was standing there, something occurred to me. The people at this thing were loaded. Bids were being thrown down in the $1,000's without so much as batting an eye. This was the prime spot for people watching... from our vantage point behind the table, we had an unobstructed view of the whole room.

The silent auction got really fun towards the end though… with a mere 30 seconds to go, people got the crazed glint in their eyes and started hovering near the items that they needed to have. The auction ended, and as we were quickly picking up the bid sheets, this one woman started screaming at another about the fairness of bids placed on a crystal chandelier. She hissed "you were hovering right there to beat my bid". Even though the whole point of a silent auction is to beat someone else's bid, apparently, it doesn't go over very well if the other person really really really wants the item.




After shift one it was time for a small break, some sprite and cookies.

Shift two involved going into the gala, locating the winners, and telling them that they had won. I was a little bit apprehensive about this initially, because I wasn't sure how well someone walking up to a complete stranger and interrupting the dinner that they had paid $400 for was going to go over. But it turns out that it went over just fine, because people at gala's love winning things!

So, the four of us became gala Santa Clauses, bringing tidings of great winnings to those who were attending this event. When you approached the table and said "hello, I'm looking for so and so" everyone's eyes lit up and then as the anticipation built you said, "because you won blah blah". It was great! People loved you!

As I found out, sometimes, they loved you a little bit too much. My second winner was an older looking gentleman, and when I found him, he said, "Holy moly! Did I win you?" to which I brightly replied "Nope, but here's the next best thing!" and shoved a box of tools at him.

Meanwhile, outside of the gala, the picking up of winning items and processing the payment was pure pandemonium. Emmmm, being the super auditor that she is noted (and yes, I said "noted" because that's an auditor word) that the credit card slips that people were signing were all in the amount of $0.00. Keeping the best interest of the Lombardi Gala in mind and the money this event was supposedly raising, she decided to take action. Right in the middle of 30 plus people shuffling boxes, platinum credit cards, and the like, Emmmm issued an audit finding.

"Why aren't you having people sign receipts with actual amounts?!?! They can dispute the charges tonight and you won't have any legal claims to the money because they authorized you to charge $0.00!!!"

It turns out that the credit card amounts would be sent over later on to the companies and that the charges would appear on Monday. It also turns out that the volunteers were much more focused on moving the stuff out of the auction room than having a good internal control structure, and hence Emmmm's doomsday warnings fell on deaf ears. However, inside the gala room, she found much more sympathy as she was forced to explain the reason for the $0.00 credit card bill over and over again. One gentleman remarked, " 30 years from now and you'll be running this operation".

After the gala festivities were over, the four of us hit the town for some post gala celebration which involved martini's at Russia House and seeing the sights that are Halloween in Dupont Circle, but that is another post for another time.....

BEST Politically Correct Halloween Costume EVER

My college friend that lives out here just invited us to an After Halloween-Halloween Party on Friday and we decided we needed to come up with a last minute costume idea. Nothing scary. Nothing that requires face paint or a mask. Nothing sleazy or revealing.

Well, we started brainstorming what we could throw together on a whim and the following conversation took place:

Emmmm: We could be something "DC."

Kimmmm: How about the Washington Monument?

Emmmm: How?

Kimmmm: All we have to do is wear something white that's pointy at the top and have a light that flickers.

Emmmm: Okay, let me get this straight. You think we should wear a white gown or robe, a white hood that comes to a point at the top, and carry around something that flickers, perhaps like a torch? And you don't see any problem with this???

Needless to say, the Washington Monument idea fell through, but we're still looking for ideas. This is where we need your help. Please post comments if you have any great (preferably funny and original) last minute Halloween costume ideas.