BEST Krispy Kreme Challenge EVER

Every once in a great while (okay, this is the first time actually), an alert reader of Best Winter Ever brings something to our attention which cannot go unnoticed due to its mass appeal to our readership. And this is why, Melissa deserves a huge shout out for bringing to our attention an activity that would have missed our best winter ever had it not been for her watchful eye.

Some of you out there like to run right?

Some of you out there like Krispy Kreme doughnuts right?

What if I told you there was a winter activity where you could combine the two??

Yes, folks, that's right. Raleigh, NC is having it's annual 2007 Krispy Kreme challenge. For those of you not in the know, this race started in 2004 and the premise is this:

You start at the NC State bell tower
You run 2 miles downhill to the Raleigh Krispy Kreme
You consume 1 dozen glazed doughnuts
You run 2 miles uphill back to the bell tower

…all in under an hour.

I cannot even imagine how much your stomach must lurch after eating one dozen Krispy Kremes in a single sitting, and then as the ultimate offense, you continue to challenge your body by running uphill.

I think that the picture of the guy on the right hand side of the banner pretty much sums it up. He looks like he's about to toss his doughnuts.

It's my hope that Melissa will sign up for this event and provide us here at Best Winter Ever a first hand account of the disgustingly delicious experience that is the 2007 Krispy Kreme challenge.

BEST Stupid B#&#% from Florida EVER

The great snowstorm of '07 descended upon the DC metro area this past Sunday. I was out and about (actually at work) and around 3:30, made the decision that the time had come to make the drive from Tysons back to the Hill before the roads got really bad.

I've had somewhat limited experience with snow in the DC metro area, but from what I've seen, I know I don't like it. Roads don't get cleared, people drive like jackasses (which really isn't specific to snow, more of a general observation), sand is used instead of salt (salt melts things, sand doesn't), and the few things about the infrastructure in this area that actually work come to a screeching halt.

Anyway, this afternoon, the executive decision has been made. I was going to drive home. I decided that the highways would probably be crowded (because they always are) and that the one and a half inch dusting of snow would probably be a little bit more melted than the other roads.

Being from western New York, I’ve driven through blinding snowstorms with three feet of visibility… I've driven through four inches of pure powder….let's just say, I've driven through a lot of snow related crap. That however, gives me absolutely no confidence driving in DC snow, as everyone in this area seems to obey the driving laws of their own state or countries rather than respecting things like "safety".

Before I go on, I want to say that I spend entirely too much time in my car and am a very bitter bitter driver. Let that set the scene for the rest of this story.

So, I made my way down Chain Bridge and onto the 267 ramp, when this SUV with Florida plates skidded. I watched the driver try to yank the wheel out of the skid, as I cursed under my breath, "Turn into it stupid" and then stop her car, which lead to continue to curse "Don't stop on an icy ramp you stupid b#$(&". Because she was in my way, I stopped my car, and because Florida had stopped and I had stopped every single other driver behind us also stopped.

Florida woman continued to gun her engine and turned out of the skid enough for other cars to pass by her. Several suburban mom's flipped their H3's into four wheel drive and buzzed by us. I don't drive an H3. I drive a 99 Cavalier, which does not flip into four wheel drive. I put my car back into drive and tried to ease around her, but it turns out that when you stop a Cavalier on a pure sheet of ice, the tires don't have enough traction to make it go again. Several other people who had piled up in the 10 minutes found themselves in a similar predicament. So, there I was, second in a long miserable line of people who couldn't move because of a stupid b@$(*& from Florida.

I tried rocking my car. I tried putting it in low gear. There was no traction to be had.

It was time to get some help. I got out of my car and walked to the car behind me and the woman rolled down her window. I said, "We need to push Florida, my car and then yours." She looked at me grasped the concept and said "Yes." So, she went up to explain to the woman from Florida that this was a minor snowstorm and that you should always turn into a skid and never stop unless you are going to hit something and we were going to push her before she could wreak any more havoc on our lives and I walked down the rest of the ramp and rallied the rest of the motorists.

When I went back up the hill to Florida woman, there was a group of about 10 of us and we got behind the stupid SUV and pushed that mother off into the wild blue yonder praying that we would never see her again. If the power of our collective disgust had been harnessed in some way, she probably could have made it all the way back to her alleged "sunshine state".

Luckily, I was second in the line, so I got pushed next. I beeped my horn in gratitude and waved my arm out the window as a gesture of good luck to the others as they stood behind me waving. I was on my way, footloose and fancy free to skid the rest of the way home.

I can't wait to do this again tomorrow.

BEST Clue EVER

It has now been more than a month since we ventured across the river to reside in the District, and we have yet to meet the people that live in the floor above us. This would not seem unreasonable to us when living in a high-rise in Virginia with 6 million other people in the building, but we only have one unit above us, and another above them.

So, instead of knocking on their doors and introducing ourselves, we find it far more entertaining to learn about them through clues.

We live on the first floor and we have a large window that faces the walkway everyone must pass when coming or going into the main door of the house. So, in the evening, when we hear people walking down the stairs or walking up the walkway, we run to turn off the lights and spy on the person coming or going.

Using this method, we've learned a lot about the people upstairs:

Third Floor

• A woman is pregnant
• A European man lives with the pregnant woman
• We have not determined if it is a baby out of wedlock
• They are getting rid of furniture (perhaps to make room for the baby?) and placing said items out by the curb for trash pickup
• We cannot confirm nor deny whether we have taken a small end table to hold dishes in our kitchen
• We eagerly anticipate the day we invite them over and they notice a familiar piece of furniture that is now holding our dishes.
  

Second Floor

• Two girls live together.
• We presume they're bizarro Kimmmm & Emmmmm.
• Or lesbians.
• They placed a box spring out front with the garbage. A week ago.
• The box spring is still there.

Just as an aside, we've seen a male in gym clothes carrying oranges. We have yet to determine if he lives there or is friends with the bizarro Kimmmm & Emmmmm. Either way, we decided that there is a male that lives nearby that likes to workout and eat oranges.

Well, it was clear we needed to step up the investigation if we wanted to find any real dirt on the people above us. You know, rather than do the obvious and actually MEET THEM (gasp!). So, we continued to keep our eyes and ears open for any further clues.

Third Floor update

Around the holidays, we learned that the pregnant couple accidentally opened one of Kimmmm's Christmas cards that was placed in their mailbox by accident. The woman left an apologetic note and signed her name. From this information, we can deduce that she is either (a) a nice woman that innocently opened a piece of mail, or (b) a felon. You be the judge.

Second Floor update

With our improved scrutiny, we confirmed a couple more things about bizarro Kimmmm & Emmmmm:

• They walk around their hardwood floors late at night.
• They use electricity.

It seemed we were on a roll, but we had yet to discover that single breakthrough clue that would clearly define the people above us.

Until last week.

I was walking down our street and as I gazed up to the dark window of the unit above us, there it was. Our biggest clue to date:

When I shared the information with Kimmmmm, she said, "Do you think the President will come over? I just assume he does personal visits to the ten voting Republicans that reside in the District."

And, these ladies are not just your average run-of-the-mill Republicans. They are sign-hanging-Republicans.

There you have it. We live in a rowhouse with Lesbian Republicans and Pregnant Felons. This city has it all! Perhaps it is high time we introduce ourselves. I can only imagine what they presume about us….

BEST Death to Smoochy EVER

Here's the thing about this alleged winter (and I say alleged because the temperatures are no where near winter-like)… there isn't a whole lot going on. And to be honest, it's okay. Winter is sort of the time that you spend at home and find that not every single moment is booked with some zany activity. Although my life has become significantly less bangin', I’m using the winter months to sort of regroup from the craziness that is every other season. I've been reading a lot, talking long walks on Sunday afternoons, and watching a movie here and there.
And as you've probably already guessed by the title of this posting… over the weekend I watched one of the grandest pieces of cinematic artistry ever committed to film - The movie Death to Smoochy.

I had been wanting to see Death to Smoochy for a while, mainly because Jon Stewart always makes cracks about it on the Daily Show. I was expecting the usual camp, a few cheap laughs, and the like. What I got instead was a compelling story of a man in a fuchsia rhinoceros costume struggling to stay true to his values of good nutrition and saying please and thank you in the seedy underworld of children's television programming.

Without giving too much away, basically what happens is Rainbow Randolph (Robin Williams) is busted taking bribes from parents to give their children airtime on his show. So, in a scandal, he quits, and is replaced by Smoochy (Edward Norton). Smoochy is a bit of a renegade bohemian who tries to bring ethics and values back to children's programming in the face of several obstacles including a murderous disgruntled Rainbow Randolph (Robin Williams plays an excellent Deranged Person), the Help the Children charity mob, bitchy producers, and horrible Jon Stewart cameos.

The movie becomes a classic struggle of man trying to stay true to his core values in the face of wealth, power, and influence. The movie also contains a love story, an Irish restaurant, midget, neo-Nazism, and enough potty humor to make a 13 year old giggle uncontrollably.

So there I sat on Friday night, transfixed by all that was Death to Smoochy. I'm not going to lie either… the Moochy ascending into heaven part of the ice show brought a tear to my eye. If it doesn't bring a tear to your eye, you are one cold cold hearted meanie.

Note: I REALLY need to start getting out more.

I'll end with the words of Smoochy himself, "You can't change the world, but you can make a dent."

BEST Big Cup of Noodles in the Sky EVER

I have some sad news.

Momofuku Ando has passed away.

Right now, you are probably wondering why I am announcing the death of some obscure Japanese man or woman. Well, even if you don't realize it, Momofuku has probably had a dramatic impact on your life. The man INVENTED ramen noodles.

That's right the man behind the delicious salty broth, noodles that never quite cooked the right way, crinkly cellophane packages, etc has gone to the big cup of noodles in the sky.

As it was for most college students, Ramen was a part of my diet during my years in higher education. Granted, I didn't eat it every day… I was probably more of a weekly post bar this is great drunk food ramen eater, but I still did what every college student did…. I would drop $2 for a case of ramen and the beginning of the semester and when all other food options had expired, would indulge.

My favorite ramen related memory was when one of my good friends (Quoc) was in Morocco for the Peace Corp. For Christmas one year, I sent him about 10 packets of Ramen noodles, figuring that they would be an inexpensive thing to ship and provide him a taste of dorm life. So, I went to the store and bought the 10 packets for about $0.80, packed them up in a padded envelope (about $1.00) with a letter (about $0.10 worth of paper and ink) and brought the package up to the post office in Baker Hall. So all in all, about $1.90 worth of materials.

The man behind the counter weighed my package. He shook it. He added some more tape. He looked at the address. Then, he gave me the options…. "well, you could send this via airplane for $50.00," to which I inquired, "For $50, will you be bringing it there yourself?". Anyway, we haggled a bit, and I settled on sending it via pack-mule which would take at least 3 months for the bargain basement price of $15.00.

Anyway, so as you have to do when sending packages overseas, you have to declare the value. I triumphantly wrote "Ramen noodles $1.00" (I overestimated by about $0.10 as to not be embarrassed about sending such a crappy gift) and handed the slip back to him. He looked at it and the value and contents, and said "You really want to mail this?"

I really did. Apparently, even though it did travel by pack mule through who knows where and took 6 months to arrive and cost 1875% its value to get there, that ramen arrived just like it had come off the shelf.

And that is why I raise my fork full of salty goodness and drippy broth flavored water to you Momofuku.

BEST First 14 Seconds EVER

The top-ranked Buckeyes came out onto the field last night, ready to prove they were worthy of the national championship title. And once the ball was kicked off, they showed the nation they were worthy of the #1 ranking they had all season . . . for the first 14 seconds.

And, that's pretty much all I really have to say about last night's game.

I should have known better than to boast about OSU during the day. A conversation at work went something like this . . .

(Think "Da Bears. Ditka, Ditka, polish sausage . . ." from SNL)

Co-worker: What do you think the score will be tonight?

Emmmmm: Buckeyes 121. Gators 7.

Co-worker: Ummm, 121?

Emmmmm: Da Bucks, da Bucks, da Bucks. Tressel. Tressel. Tressel.

On a positive note, like any other Ohio native, I prepared a trillion delicious buckeyes prior to the game.







I guess the only thing left to do is enjoy the little pieces of chocolatey-peanut buttery deliciousness until the 2007 season begins.

Goooo Buckeyes!

BEST Person of the Year EVER

This is awkward. I do not know how to go about it and it will certainly come across a tad self-indulgent, so I'll just come out and say it:

I am TIME Magazine's 2006 Person of the Year!

It came as a shock to me when I looked down at the recent copy of TIME in which they reveal the Person of the Year, and I saw my reflection staring back at me. In fact, they even went to the trouble of personalizing a magazine for me that said "YOU." Take a look below:




















Don't get me wrong, I'm quite flattered, but I am trying to identify that one moment of 2006 that set me apart from all of the other 2006 contenders. Which when you really get down to it, the contenders include everything and everyone else in the Universe. So, in order to try to prove my worthiness of said title, here are a few events that may help validate TIME's decision:

Housed the DC homeless
Helped OSU defeat UM
Was published
Brought Dunkin' Donuts to the DC metro area
Won tickets to a concert for blogging
Endured O'Hare...countless times
Received a blank check
Caught the bouquet
Met Barack Obama

And if you take a look at former winners, you will see just how prestigious this award is. Now, I can say that I rank among the likes of Bono (2005), the Dubya (2000, 2004), the Endangered Earth (1988), Women (1975), Stalin (1939, 1942), and Hitler (1938). That's right, TIME positioned me among other greats of history, including an entire planet, an entire gender, and the most infamous dictators in the 20th century.

Thanks, TIME. I'll cherish this.

BEST Happy New Year EVER

I feel as if though I should blog about the New Years eve festivities because many of those listed on the sidebar (Tiggs, Jarrett, Ph) actually traveled up to DC for the event. Anyway, with this particular crowd, New Years Eve is not just one night, but actually a four day event that spans an entire weekend.

There were several traditional activities such as the trip to the zoo (with significantly less bear porn jokes this year), a trip to view the National Christmas Tree, shopping in Georgetown, Indian food, a few evenings out on the town, and of course, the main event New Year's Eve. I think that I can speak for all those assembled when I say that a good time was had by all.... so good in fact that Lindsay broke out in hives at one point.

Anyway, as with most times this particular group of people assembles, there was some ridiculousness, which will provide a massive amount of entertainment in the months to come.

And as far as New Year's Eve is concerned, the following quote from New Year's Day sums it all up:

Jarrett: "I think Mr. T should come next year to chaperone me."
Kim: "It's probably not a bad idea to have someone on hand who could provide medical attention if necessary."

So, rest up folks, and I'll see you December 28, 2007 for the next celebration! Who's in?

BEST Chair Thrower EVER

2007 has already proved to be a memorable year for the General. At 880 wins, he passed Dean Smith with the most coaching victories in college basketball history.

What makes such a successful coach? Well, as an Indiana graduate, I was able to see firsthand the method to his madness. While I never saw chairs thrown across the basketball court or the strangling of players, I was there when Myles Brand (then IU president, now NCAA president) fired the legendary coach. The reaction to the firing showcased the true support the students had for this man. The campus strongly opposed the firing and tastefully protested outside of Brand's home by burning him in effigy while the police escorted Brand and his wife to a safer location. You know, just some harmless Midwestern fun.

Then, Knight continued his legacy at Texas Tech, where he broke the longstanding record against New Mexico on this first day of 2007 (thanks, New Mexico!). And to pay respect to the legend, here are a few of his most profound remarks that captivated audiences and won our Hoosier hearts:

• I think that if rape is inevitable, relax and enjoy it. - During an April 1988 interview with Connie Chung

• When my time on Earth is gone, and my activities here are past, I want them bury me upside down and my critics can kiss my ass. - A limerick in March 1996

• If the NBA was on channel five and a bunch of frogs making love were on channel four, I'd watch the frogs, even if they were coming in fuzzy. - Coaching the gold-medal winning team at the 1984 Olympics

• I told him to take a picture of his testicles so he'd have something to remember them by if he ever took another shot like the last one.

• This is the most comfortable red sweater I've had on in six years. (okay, this is not a Hoosier favorite) - When he joined Texas Tech after the IU firing

• He said that both Dean and I have always tried to reach the same end, and that we have different ways of doing it. Coach Smith is the master of the four-corner offense and Coach Knight is master of the four-letter word. That's a verbatim quote from Jordan. - Commenting on this most recent accomplishment

Congrats, Coach! College wouldn't have been the same without you.

Love him or hate him, he's a great effing coach.